Oklahoma Rising from the Pacific

It is a beautiful Oklahoma summer morning and I am grateful to be alive. The air feels just right, clean, fresh, calm. I’m sitting outside in my little side yard. It a private Peace Garden I created last fall and I love it. The garden is full of bright perrennials, mostly native to Oklahoma. My daughter, who knows all about practically every plant, told me the proper names for each one, but I just know them by their common names like Indian Blanket, Black-eyed Susan, Lobelia, Ugly Noses (which are quite beautiful) and the like. Each variety is in full bloom.

I just returned from a group retreat in Encinitas, California around 11:00 p.m. last night. It was a wonderful trip filled with unique opportunities to practice being in the moment. The best moment of presence came with my friend I’ll call “S.”

S and I went into the ocean and jumped waves with our other friends and workshop participants, but S and I swam farther and farther out until we were past the break water. We floated like little corks, being lifted up with the ocean swells then lowered back down as they passed under us only to break into waves as they crashed onto the beach.

While we were out in the ocean floating, the lessons of surrender, letting go and becoming a part of the power of the wave force really hit home with me. When we were able to relax and trust the power of the waves, not anticipating them but knowing they would come, we were carried and supported, we became as water. We become the rise and fall of the giant swells. In the midst of the enormous expanse of blue ocean…we were nothing,yet we were everything, all of it. Resisting nothing, being like water, was a spiritual experience for me.

I was thinking about that in my Peace Garden this morning. Instead of watching early morning surfers eagerly searching for their first wave of the day, I watch the bumble bees surf the tops of my flowers, wading through wild abundance while choosing their first wave of nectar for the day.

It’s a delicate balance, but not a difficult one. It takes presence. To achieve presence in the moment actually takes, well, presence! It requires us to stop and really notice what we are doing in the present moment, as in, I am working at my desk, I am driving my car, I am washing the dishes, the sky is blue, I feel the sun on my face, I feel happy.

The cost of not being present is that we live a life that is marked by the past and punctuated by fear, anxiety and conjecture about the future. All the while, we miss today. We miss out on our own life. I often hear people say, “where has the week gone?” Sometimes we experience momentary awareness and realize entire years, decades even have passed mostly unnoticed and unlived.

An anchor of some kind serves as a reminder to stop and notice what we are doing. Like the infamous string around the finger, we all need something that anchors us and supports us as we forge a new habit. Even if we only have one moment of presence and awareness a day, it would be a step forward for most of us.

I wear a little bracelet that serves as my anchor. When I look at it, I am reminded to stop and be conscious and deliberate about what I am doing, like really looking my 7 year old grand-daughter in the eyes and listening to her tell me about her day at school, really hearing her, noticing her brown eyes and shiny black hair and funny little gestures. In the past, I have set a chime on my computer to remind me to stop and really be in the moment.

The possibility presence creates for us is endless. In presence we have the ability to create anything we desire. Relationships become real, life becomes rich, joy becomes full.

Every moment is precious. The old saying is, “They don’t call it the present for nothing! Presence is a gift!”

Be present to that.

If I close my eyes, follow my breath and descend into my sacred garden,
love smells like green grasses,
fresh, crisp, with the earthen musk rising as a heavy bottom note,
salty and brined and wet

I push through dense jungle, tropical rain forest toward light,
my way dappled by crystal glimpses of the prize.

Then I stop. I look around. I remember,
I am the prize,
this moment both the beginning and the endless

A bright shaft of light finds its way to me,
where I stand in remembrance
of my ancient identity
I am whole

Amen

You are not alone.

It’s part of our humanity to sabotage our best efforts. Understanding and acceptance of this truth is key to your personal growth in every area of your life. When you can embrace the truth, really embrace the truth in the old saying, “no one is perfect,” you allow yourself the freedom and the space to get back on track.

The Process

You say you are going to make it to the gym, or run, or whatever three days a week. You get yourself out the door and make good on your commitment to get healthy. Afterwards, you feel great! You ask yourself, “Why didn’t I do this before?” You go back and you feel great again and again and again! You keep going back. You feel really good about yourself.

Then, one morning, for no explicable reason, you turn off the alarm and roll back over to snooze just a few more minutes. The snooze alarm sounds and you either hit it again or turn it off all together. You tell yourself, it’s just one day, and sometimes it actually is, but more often this is the beginning of the end of your new found motivation.

As the days go by, the voice inside your head starts to tell you that you’re a loser, lazy, worthless…you know what it sounds like. Once you start beating yourself up, there’s little hope of a recovery in the near future.

The Way Out

At this point, you actually do have an important choice to make and it’s not whether or not you should drag yourself back to the gym. This the moment you can make the choice to lay down your resistance to the obvious…you are human!

The way out of this vicious circle is to try a little tenderness. Yes, I’m suggesting that you offer yourself a little compassion. Consider what you’d say to your best friend under the same circumstances. Would you say, “I knew you wouldn’t stay with it because you are such a loser, liar and you never keep your commitments?” Or would you say, “It’s no big deal, you can get back to it. I believe in you. You inspire me?”

Face it. You’re human and humans are flawed. Get over it.

The Possibilities

In a word, the possibilities of giving up being ashamed of your humanity are endless. Once you can embrace the truth that you are human, you have created a fertile place for endless possibilities to grow. Acceptance is the key to happiness. Acceptance is the soil in which we plant our dreams and our goals. In a field of acceptance, possibilities for a new outcome begin to germinate and grow. What would be possible if you were willing to give up making yourself WRONG when your behavior falls short of your ideals? The answer is anything. What would be possible if you could treat yourself as you would a loved one or your best friend?

The Practice

In the course of the day, starting today, notice how many times you make yourself or others wrong. You don’t have to do anything beyond that. Just practice a little awareness and when you catch yourself, just notice it. Truly, that’s enough to begin to change the pattern that not only gets you off track and stuck, but keeps you there.

A little awareness goes a very long way. It offers you some leverage to move forward in every area of your life. It shuts down the endless mind chatter and creates a space for a new you.

When applying worth to people, the concept becomes a bit more complex. My dad used to say that he was worth more dead than alive. I didn’t know what that meant until I became an adult. He died when I was 27, and I can tell you that he was wrong. He was worth a whole lot more to me when he was alive. But what is any life worth?

My feelings of worthiness and unworthiness have fluctuated as my life has progressed. When I was a child, my sense of worth depended upon my outside world and the way others treated me. My second grade teacher, Mrs. Griffin, loved me and thought I was a brilliant and entertaining child. My second grade teacher, Mrs. Houck hated my guts. I couldn’t do anything right and spent an inordinate amount of time in the cloakroom or out in the hall. I didn’t feel very worthy in third grade to tell you the truth. By fourth grade, I had transformed into a wonderful student who was a leader in her class in academics and citizenship. I led by example and Mrs. Galvin adored me and truly valued me. She followed the dictionary definition of worth to the letter. I was definitely a child of significant value to justify the investment of her time and interest. That was the year that I developed my theory that odd numbered grades would be bad and even numbered grades would be great years.

Feelings of worthiness are what dictate the way I experience life, what joy, love, success, fun and pleasure I will allow myself to receive.

When my feelings of worthiness are attached to what I do, from my achievements, bank account, address or body, I become a human doing instead of a human being. I don’t value myself for who I am, but for what I can accomplish. What happens if I get older and can’t accomplish the things I once could? What if I am in a terrible accident and can no longer be a productive member of society in the traditional sense? Do I become less valuable? We say no, but we mean yes. I would become a to-be-pitied drain on social resources if I had no other support system. I would feel badly about that and I would feel worthless.

While every moment will be different, the moments that I spend cultivating my inherent worthiness is time well spent. I do this by trying to expose the behaviors I engage in that undermine my feelings of worthiness and then make a conscious effort to make a better choice that will leave me feeling worthy.

I’m worth that!

I offer up this question: how do we know?

The meaning we assign to all aspects of our lives is not random. In fact, it is not even a choice until we begin to consider what it means to be responsible for the experience we know as human life span. This meaning-making is a phenomenon first described by the brilliant Swiss psychiatrist and founder of the school of analytical psychology, Carl Jung. It is the phenomenon of projection. We assign meaning not based on what another person says, but upon what we choose to hear through a filter that has been in place from the moment we began to develop a personality. Jung referred to it as ego, the illusory self, who we believe ourselves to be.

“We don’t see others as they are, we see others as we are, ” (paraphrased Anais Nin.) We cause ourselves and others a great deal of pain because we are constantly making meaning, extrapalting tiny threads of a conversation and weaving them into great meaning that supports who we think we are. It’s a woulded ego thing that is fueled by our shadow selves (see Jung).

An example of this would be if we worked very hard on a project and instead of receiving the feedback we desire, as in “what a great job you did!” we are told that the project is lacking, flawed or less that perfect somehow. From a shadow-self, wounded ego perspective, what we would hear is we are lacking, flawed, imperfect. The wounded ego cannot separate itself from the world. To the wounded ego, everything is about it.

The thing to pay attention to is when this happens to us. In the above example, the idea, not the person was lacking, but the ego could not make that leap. You can see how this creates untold suffering. The rememdy to this is to practice self-awareness and observation. 

Take the time to observe what reactions you have when you or your work is criticized. Notice how  you identify with what’s wrong rather than what’s right. Notice how you willingly take create and take on negative meaning. 

The old warning that instructs, don’t take things so personally, is born from this same concept. Much to the ego’s dismay, everything is not about us. 

It is easy for us all to see what is wrong with others, but our job is to tie all of the content of our judgements back to a process that can lead us to a plan of action that is aligned with our goals.

Another part of my job is to help you look at current boundaries and standards and help you develop more effective ones that are also in alignment with your vision. Tough conversations are another part of our work together as is cleaning up the past. We cannot move forward without cleaning up the past. To do this we have to practice radical honesty with ourselves and others. What is the one incompletion that most impacts your life today? What would be possible if you were willing to make a completion around this?

My job is also to challenge you about ways you have always been in the world, who you believe yourself to be and the associated behavior necessary to uphold that story line, identity. Sometimes we have to be willing to give up the person we have always believed ourselves to be in order to become the next version of ourselves. That’s a pretty scary proposition for most of us. It requires that we let go of our attachments, our little ways we practice control, our belief in the illusion of what goes on around us. We are in the word, but we must always remember that we are not “of” the world. There is a difference.

Don’t let your ego structure drag you around by the hair any longer. You get to choose what kind of life you live, how you will be treated by yourself and others and what standards you desire to live your life around. Review these often because they change as we grow. Life is not an all or nothing proposition. Just relax, take a breath and know that the perfect outcome will be achieved in due time, due process and due diligence.

When you have an opportunity to practice emotional responsibility and maturity, do so.

I encourage you to just stand still, do nothing, be gentle and compassionate with this entire process in times of confusion or deep emotional buy in. Please be willing to give yourself  time. Stand in your own integrity and be willing to believe the best about everyone involved…even if you don’t want to. Never forget that how you choose to show up at work has an impact on everyone around you…everyone can be lifted up or left hanging by the grace and dignity you choose or do not choose to exercise in your life. Be a blessing today and everyday to what ever extent it is possible.

,

I complete the call.

The phone rings. It is my husband. He tells me that he is with one of our daughters. Her 10 year old yellow lab has been shot and killed by a neighbor. Her other two dogs are injured, one seriously.

The contents of this incident are insignificant, although brutal. The process is the thing. What do I do with this information? What are my choices and what does this mean? And, most importantly, how can I support my daughter?

Emotionally, I am flattened. This brings up all of my unprocessed grief. My dad…whose name the dang dog shared, my deceased husband and only God knows what else. I have nothing else to offer today beyond the reality I began today with: we do not know what the next moment holds. Our lives can change in a moment.

Today, my unprocessed pain is projected onto a dog who was a part of our family. And while I comprehend that the loss of a dog at the hand of another who is armed with a shotgun is not considered murder, I must assert that the loss is cathartic for me and my daughter.

What I know for sure? This, too, shall pass.

Eventually.

God speed.

Here are some basic facts about what was going on in the United States during the 1920s, the era when this essay was born from the heart and mind of Ehrman, compliments of the Kingwood College Library:

106,521,537 people in the United States
2,132,000 unemployed, Unemployment 5.2%
Life expectancy: Male 53.6, Female 54.6
343.000 in military (down from 1,172,601 in 1919)
Average annual earnings $1236; Teacher’s salary $970
Dow Jones High 100 Low 67
Illiteracy rate reached a new low of 6% of the population.
Gangland crime included murder, swindles, racketeering
It took 13 days to reach California from New York There were 387,000 miles of paved road.

Some basic facts about the decade of the 1970s are offered from the same source:
Population: 204,879,000
Unemployed in 1970: 4,088,000
National Debt: $382 billion
Average salary: $7,564
Food prices: milk, 33 cents a qt.; bread, 24 cents a loaf; round steak, $1.30 a pound
Life Expectancy: Male, 67.1; Female, 74.8

The point I’d like to make is that regardless of where we are in life, when we are born or what is going on around us, deep within us, our soul’s desires change little. Outside of the ego structure that we have developed through out our lives, I assert that our authentic and essential selves remain pure and untouched.

I offer this beautifully wise and inspired essay as it is found in it’s copyrighted format:

DESIDERATA
Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others; even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in oyur own career however humble; it is a real posession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism

Be yourself. Espacially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy

MAX EHRMANN 1927

A run to remember—A view from the road

When I began this series of columns about creating the best year of my life last January, completing the 2007 Oklahoma City Marathon was already a goal. It was a goal despite the fact that I had only been running consistently since September. And when I spoke the words aloud, I fought back the nagging little voice within that whispered, who do you think you are? You’re not a runner! You have never been able to run, even as a kid. What makes you think you can say something like that?

I didn’t really know where to start, so I searched online and found a mileage build up schedule that would get me ready to begin actual training for the marathon. I did what the schedule said to do, one day at a time, one step at a time. My goal was to complete the build up phase by December 31, 2006. With that behind me, my next goal was to train for the marathon over the next four months.

Some weeks my training came with ease. Some weeks, I counted every step. I ran in the wind and the rain and the sleet and on the snow. I ran in the daylight and I ran in the darkness. In fact, I fell in the darkness one evening after work, injuring my left clavicle, although not seriously. Regardless of how grueling a training run was, I always ended with a real sense of accomplishment that I ran the mileage on my own two feet.

I had the joy of running with one of my daughters at least once a week,on the long Sunday runs. She and I ran the Marathon together. I had the support of all of family and friends, and practically every step I ran, I was followed closely by my husband, who rode his bike faithfully behind me. He carried a back pack filled with water, sports drinks, energy blocks, chap stick, gloves…any thing he thought I might need to make it, he carried on his back.

The view from the road is unique. Neighborhoods offer up their personality to the passing runner. Some are teeming with children, while others are more mature. Trees of a feather tend to flock together. Sprinkler begatssprinkler. Where one luscious green lawn thrives, three others aspire to its velvety beauty. Horse ranches sprawl out along the river bottom in the ten mile flats in Norman. City drivers are distracted and hurried. Country drivers raise their right index finger to say hello. Sunrise breaks with promise and clarity. Sunset retreats with a bonnet of calm.

I ran through five pairs of shoes and covered a few thousand miles. I learned about stretching and soaking and the power of little things that add up over the miles. I realized how much I had taken for granted and how ungrateful I could be. I found the inner strength to challenge what I knew to be possible for myself and ran through that wall.

When I arrived at the event in the wee hours of Sunday morning, the darkness obscured everything from my vision. As I pushed my way past other runners, a vision emerged from the blackness. From nothing rose 168 lighted chairs, floating above a serene, still water. I clutched my throat as I thought back to 9:03 a.m. on April 19, 1995.

I fought back tears as I sat down on the steps. I absorbed the presence and the purpose and the dignity with which these individuals gave up their lives. I understood in my soul that I was on holy ground. When the prayer service began under the Survivor Tree at 5:30 a.m. I knew exactly why we run. We run to remember.

I did not run alone. When I felt weak or tired or hot or thirsty, I remembered the 168 souls for which I ran. They inspired my every step. They were with me every step of the way, offering courage and strength and life. It took me 5 hours, forty minutes and forty-six seconds to cover 26.2 miles, and when I crossed the finish line strong, cheered on by my loving family and supportive friends, I knew why I had run. I ran to remember.