Filed under: Coaching, Lifestyle, Personal, Psycho-spirituality, Spirituality | Tags: awareness, mindfullness, presence
Some people say that it is a fine line between sanity and insanity. As my daughter says, I’ll buy that for a dollar. We also walk a line with our human experience . The line we most often walk is living on auto-pilot rather than in awareness. How do we go through the process of daily life with awareness?
It’s a delicate balance, but not a difficult one. It takes presence. To achieve presence in the moment actually takes, well, presence! It requires us to stop and really notice what we are doing in the present moment, as in, I am working at my desk, I am driving my car, I am washing the dishes, the sky is blue, I feel the sun on my face, I feel happy.
The cost of not being present is that we live a life that is marked by the past and punctuated by fear, anxiety and conjecture about the future. All the while, we miss today. We miss out on our own life. I often hear people say, “where has the week gone?” Sometimes we experience momentary awareness and realize entire years, decades even have passed mostly unnoticed and unlived.
An anchor of some kind serves as a reminder to stop and notice what we are doing. Like the infamous string around the finger, we all need something that anchors us and supports us as we forge a new habit. Even if we only have one moment of presence and awareness a day, it would be a step forward for most of us.
I wear a little bracelet that serves as my anchor. When I look at it, I am reminded to stop and be conscious and deliberate about what I am doing, like really looking my 7 year old grand-daughter in the eyes and listening to her tell me about her day at school, really hearing her, noticing her brown eyes and shiny black hair and funny little gestures. In the past, I have set a chime on my computer to remind me to stop and really be in the moment.
The possibility presence creates for us is endless. In presence we have the ability to create anything we desire. Relationships become real, life becomes rich, joy becomes full.
Every moment is precious. The old saying is, “They don’t call it the present for nothing! Presence is a gift!”
Be present to that.
God is but love, and so am I
If I close my eyes, follow my breath and descend into my sacred garden,
love smells like green grasses,
fresh, crisp, with the earthen musk rising as a heavy bottom note,
salty and brined and wet
I push through dense jungle, tropical rain forest toward light,
my way dappled by crystal glimpses of the prize.
Then I stop. I look around. I remember,
I am the prize,
this moment both the beginning and the endless
A bright shaft of light finds its way to me,
where I stand in remembrance
of my ancient identity
I am whole
Amen
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: life possibilities, motivation, negative internal dialog
How many times have you found balance in your life, only to end up in the same unwanted yet familiar territory of unwanted behaviors? You realize it’s not different this time. You’re stuck again.
You are not alone.
It’s part of our humanity to sabotage our best efforts. Understanding and acceptance of this truth is key to your personal growth in every area of your life. When you can embrace the truth, really embrace the truth in the old saying, “no one is perfect,” you allow yourself the freedom and the space to get back on track.
The Process
You say you are going to make it to the gym, or run, or whatever three days a week. You get yourself out the door and make good on your commitment to get healthy. Afterwards, you feel great! You ask yourself, “Why didn’t I do this before?” You go back and you feel great again and again and again! You keep going back. You feel really good about yourself.
Then, one morning, for no explicable reason, you turn off the alarm and roll back over to snooze just a few more minutes. The snooze alarm sounds and you either hit it again or turn it off all together. You tell yourself, it’s just one day, and sometimes it actually is, but more often this is the beginning of the end of your new found motivation.
As the days go by, the voice inside your head starts to tell you that you’re a loser, lazy, worthless…you know what it sounds like. Once you start beating yourself up, there’s little hope of a recovery in the near future.
The Way Out
At this point, you actually do have an important choice to make and it’s not whether or not you should drag yourself back to the gym. This the moment you can make the choice to lay down your resistance to the obvious…you are human!
The way out of this vicious circle is to try a little tenderness. Yes, I’m suggesting that you offer yourself a little compassion. Consider what you’d say to your best friend under the same circumstances. Would you say, “I knew you wouldn’t stay with it because you are such a loser, liar and you never keep your commitments?” Or would you say, “It’s no big deal, you can get back to it. I believe in you. You inspire me?”
Face it. You’re human and humans are flawed. Get over it.
The Possibilities
In a word, the possibilities of giving up being ashamed of your humanity are endless. Once you can embrace the truth that you are human, you have created a fertile place for endless possibilities to grow. Acceptance is the key to happiness. Acceptance is the soil in which we plant our dreams and our goals. In a field of acceptance, possibilities for a new outcome begin to germinate and grow. What would be possible if you were willing to give up making yourself WRONG when your behavior falls short of your ideals? The answer is anything. What would be possible if you could treat yourself as you would a loved one or your best friend?
The Practice
In the course of the day, starting today, notice how many times you make yourself or others wrong. You don’t have to do anything beyond that. Just practice a little awareness and when you catch yourself, just notice it. Truly, that’s enough to begin to change the pattern that not only gets you off track and stuck, but keeps you there.
A little awareness goes a very long way. It offers you some leverage to move forward in every area of your life. It shuts down the endless mind chatter and creates a space for a new you.
Filed under: Coaching, Personal, Psycho-spirituality, Uncategorized | Tags: self worth, value
A wise man once said that something is only worth what a person is willing to pay for it. The dictionary says that worth is something of significant value to justify investment of time or interest. When referring to objects, I suppose this is true. A 1966 Ford Mustang 289 V8 with a 4 barrel carburetor holds a certain value based upon what buyers have been willing to pay for it in the past. According to a recent web search, that price is somewhere around $10,000 to $14,000. This is an interesting fact given the Mustang could be purchased new for approximately $2500 from 1964 to 1968.
When applying worth to people, the concept becomes a bit more complex. My dad used to say that he was worth more dead than alive. I didn’t know what that meant until I became an adult. He died when I was 27, and I can tell you that he was wrong. He was worth a whole lot more to me when he was alive. But what is any life worth?
My feelings of worthiness and unworthiness have fluctuated as my life has progressed. When I was a child, my sense of worth depended upon my outside world and the way others treated me. My second grade teacher, Mrs. Griffin, loved me and thought I was a brilliant and entertaining child. My second grade teacher, Mrs. Houck hated my guts. I couldn’t do anything right and spent an inordinate amount of time in the cloakroom or out in the hall. I didn’t feel very worthy in third grade to tell you the truth. By fourth grade, I had transformed into a wonderful student who was a leader in her class in academics and citizenship. I led by example and Mrs. Galvin adored me and truly valued me. She followed the dictionary definition of worth to the letter. I was definitely a child of significant value to justify the investment of her time and interest. That was the year that I developed my theory that odd numbered grades would be bad and even numbered grades would be great years.
Feelings of worthiness are what dictate the way I experience life, what joy, love, success, fun and pleasure I will allow myself to receive.
When my feelings of worthiness are attached to what I do, from my achievements, bank account, address or body, I become a human doing instead of a human being. I don’t value myself for who I am, but for what I can accomplish. What happens if I get older and can’t accomplish the things I once could? What if I am in a terrible accident and can no longer be a productive member of society in the traditional sense? Do I become less valuable? We say no, but we mean yes. I would become a to-be-pitied drain on social resources if I had no other support system. I would feel badly about that and I would feel worthless.
While every moment will be different, the moments that I spend cultivating my inherent worthiness is time well spent. I do this by trying to expose the behaviors I engage in that undermine my feelings of worthiness and then make a conscious effort to make a better choice that will leave me feeling worthy.
I’m worth that!
Filed under: Uncategorized
Ever noticed the meaning you assign to people, their actions, their words, even the way they “look” at you? As humans, we believe that we just ‘know’ what a simple expression another person makes means. We are certain that our interpretation of the world is not only correct, it is the only one!
I offer up this question: how do we know?
The meaning we assign to all aspects of our lives is not random. In fact, it is not even a choice until we begin to consider what it means to be responsible for the experience we know as human life span. This meaning-making is a phenomenon first described by the brilliant Swiss psychiatrist and founder of the school of analytical psychology, Carl Jung. It is the phenomenon of projection. We assign meaning not based on what another person says, but upon what we choose to hear through a filter that has been in place from the moment we began to develop a personality. Jung referred to it as ego, the illusory self, who we believe ourselves to be.
“We don’t see others as they are, we see others as we are, ” (paraphrased Anais Nin.) We cause ourselves and others a great deal of pain because we are constantly making meaning, extrapalting tiny threads of a conversation and weaving them into great meaning that supports who we think we are. It’s a woulded ego thing that is fueled by our shadow selves (see Jung).
An example of this would be if we worked very hard on a project and instead of receiving the feedback we desire, as in “what a great job you did!” we are told that the project is lacking, flawed or less that perfect somehow. From a shadow-self, wounded ego perspective, what we would hear is we are lacking, flawed, imperfect. The wounded ego cannot separate itself from the world. To the wounded ego, everything is about it.
The thing to pay attention to is when this happens to us. In the above example, the idea, not the person was lacking, but the ego could not make that leap. You can see how this creates untold suffering. The rememdy to this is to practice self-awareness and observation.
Take the time to observe what reactions you have when you or your work is criticized. Notice how you identify with what’s wrong rather than what’s right. Notice how you willingly take create and take on negative meaning.
The old warning that instructs, don’t take things so personally, is born from this same concept. Much to the ego’s dismay, everything is not about us.
Filed under: Coaching, Personal, Psycho-spirituality | Tags: anger management, boundaries, conflict, judgement, personal transformation, process, standards
From my perspective as a coach, I see a lot of historical baggage in the ways we all choose to view conflicts in all areas of life My job is not to judge my clients, but to create and maintain a safe space for them to explore their lives, look at things they have been unwilling to examine before and know that they do not have to face it alone. The truth is, we are humans…remember? There are no mistakes and every moment of our lives serve to create the person we are today, with all of our very unique gifts.
It is easy for us all to see what is wrong with others, but our job is to tie all of the content of our judgements back to a process that can lead us to a plan of action that is aligned with our goals.
Another part of my job is to help you look at current boundaries and standards and help you develop more effective ones that are also in alignment with your vision. Tough conversations are another part of our work together as is cleaning up the past. We cannot move forward without cleaning up the past. To do this we have to practice radical honesty with ourselves and others. What is the one incompletion that most impacts your life today? What would be possible if you were willing to make a completion around this?
My job is also to challenge you about ways you have always been in the world, who you believe yourself to be and the associated behavior necessary to uphold that story line, identity. Sometimes we have to be willing to give up the person we have always believed ourselves to be in order to become the next version of ourselves. That’s a pretty scary proposition for most of us. It requires that we let go of our attachments, our little ways we practice control, our belief in the illusion of what goes on around us. We are in the word, but we must always remember that we are not “of” the world. There is a difference.
Don’t let your ego structure drag you around by the hair any longer. You get to choose what kind of life you live, how you will be treated by yourself and others and what standards you desire to live your life around. Review these often because they change as we grow. Life is not an all or nothing proposition. Just relax, take a breath and know that the perfect outcome will be achieved in due time, due process and due diligence.
When you have an opportunity to practice emotional responsibility and maturity, do so.
I encourage you to just stand still, do nothing, be gentle and compassionate with this entire process in times of confusion or deep emotional buy in. Please be willing to give yourself time. Stand in your own integrity and be willing to believe the best about everyone involved…even if you don’t want to. Never forget that how you choose to show up at work has an impact on everyone around you…everyone can be lifted up or left hanging by the grace and dignity you choose or do not choose to exercise in your life. Be a blessing today and everyday to what ever extent it is possible.
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