Cultivateyourlife’s Weblog

As I write, I witness my mind in rewind x8. Just today I went to see my mother in my old hometown. I didn’t really “see” her, I brought her most recent batch of laundry and a few new spring outfits I thought she might enjoy. I didn’t have time to visit.  It was strange to travel those old roads of my childhood while practicing “presence.”
As I drove down the old “drag” I couldn’t help but consider the strained and oppressed life I had lived as a child and teenager. I passed an old friend’s house and recalled the lie I told my parents so that I could attend a sleep over. Normal. Normal. That’s what attracted me most. It just seemed so peaceful and uncomplicated at my friend’s house.  But, what do I know? I have no clue as to what went on when I wasn’t there. Yet, I still believe that it was more normal than my home. Evidence? They had company over! That is something I dared not ever do. My family life was too unpredictable. Anything could happen at any moment.
Today, I can say that this is most probably true of any family. I offer the movie, Friendly Persuasion, as evidence. I won’t digress into a synopsis of this movie now, but suffice it to say that we are all damaged. We all evolve and grow within the limitations of our unique family history.
I have lived in the shadow of my story, my fears, my illusion of who I am and from whom I came, and it is with great respect and honor that I can finally say that I am at peace with my life. I am at peace with my family, my self righteous positions and I have arrived at a place of sincere compassion for the heavy burden my sister carried.

The end of this part of my  story is that I learned extremely early on to seek and identify the One who would help me survive. That was my sister. She never asked for the job, but what choice could she have had? She was set up by life, serendipitously it seems, to be both my savior and my demon. With her approval, I survived to be the woman I am today. Without it, she became the target of all my childish blame, excuses and judgments that kept me small and minimized all the ways our souls needed to collide for the benefit of countless people.
I cannot say, at this moment, how relieved I feel to finally and forever be free of my emotional and innocent need to have my sister’s approval. Maybe in the near future we can actually be authentic with each other and  be sisters, not just by blood, but by choice.
What I have written here and chosen to share is a raw and unedited version of my growing awareness of the fragile line I…we all…walk between what is possible in Awareness and the heavy cost of steady sleep.
My self-righteous position that my sister is/was a sanctimonious, self-righteous bitch has become the perfect mirror for me to see my own self-righteousness.
My sister is a very, very brave woman who has loved me as well as I would allow. Not perfect…no she is not that, but she is human and she did protect me and she was hated for it by all who had their toxic guilt to contend with.
I grant all of us absolution from the past and I embrace, with all of my heart, the gifts I have received from the human foibles of those who went before me.
What a relief.